Or, my road test of gimmicky whole30 foods
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| CATFISHED: This contains NO ACTUAL RICE |
I have a conspiracy theory that whole30 is mostly an elaborate Ponzi scheme paid for by coconut, almond, and cauliflower lobbyists. They’ve invented a diet that relies so heavily on these three foods to trick suckers like me into paying $3 for stupid coconut aminos to replace my soy sauce. What the actual f*ck is a coconut amino? Couldn’t tell ya.
I decided to try out cauliflower rice and coconut aminos, two extremely buzzed-about whole30 staples, in this one recipe. My ultimate verdict is:
1. Cauliflower rice is good but it’s no rice. It was worth it to buy the pre-riced bag at Trader Joe’s because it saved so much time and a huge mess and only cost around $2.50. I’ll probably still buy this after whole30 is over.
2. Coconut aminos are stupid and a waste of money. Therefore, anywhere you see coconut aminos in this recipe, replace it with soy sauce for your own happiness. Coconut aminos basically tastes like watered-down flavorless soy sauce that somehow still has a high sodium content (???). Save your money. Don’t fall into the whole30 Ponzi scheme.
This recipe is “protein packed” because it has FOUR sources of protein: tofu, eggs, edamame, and cauliflower. Organic tofu is allowed on vegetarian whole30, which begs the question, why not soy sauce? I buy my tofu in the twin pack at TJ’s. One time a farmer at the farmer’s market gave me a very impassioned speech about why sprouted beans are way better for us than unsprouted, but I don’t remember why. It must have been convincing though because now I only buy sprouted tofu. It’s $2 for a twin pack, so about $0.40 per serving, and therefore a good deal.
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| Thank you for your insight, kind farmer man. |
You need some foresight for this recipe because the tofu needs to marinate for at least 2 hours before cooking. I prepped my tofu before leaving for work so when I came home it was right ready to cook.
For the tofu, you need:
• ½ of the sprouted tofu twin pack (so one brick of tofu)• 2 tablespoons coconut aminos
• 1 tablespoon sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon almond butter
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon Chinese 5 spice blend
Prep the tofu by draining the liquid and cutting the brick into cubes. Lay the cubes flat on the cutting board and use a paper towel to press as much of the liquid out of the tofu as possible. Let the tofu dry while you mix the rest of the ingredients together in a quart-sized Ziploc bag. Add the tofu cubes in and give it a good mix before throwing it all in the fridge.
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| I wish I could marinate in the fridge all day instead of go to work. |
LATER THAT DAY…….
The actual cauliflower fried rice comes together pretty quickly, in about 35 minutes. You’ll need:• 2 tbs sesame oil
• (optional) ¼ onion, sliced
• 1 clove garlic, chopped
• 2 small heads or 1 big head of broccoli, washed and cut into florets
• 2 cups ready-to-cook kale
• 2/3 cup frozen edamame (mine is from TJ’s obviously)
• 1 carrot, shredded
• 1 cup washed and chopped mushrooms
• Marinated tofu
• 1 bag Trader Joe’s Cauliflower Rice
• Coconut aminos, salt, Chinese 5 spice powder, chili oil to taste
• 2 eggs
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| This was my attempt at being a good food blogger. It felt very disingenuous. |
You’ll cook everything in a big-ass pan with a lid. This is the cousin to the big-ass pot: less necessary but still very useful. Makes for easy cleanup!
Start by heating the sesame oil and adding the onion and garlic.
The next thing you add depends on how you like your tofu cooked. If you want the tofu tougher, add it now. I like mine a little softer, so I add it towards the end.
Once the garlic and onion start to cook, add the broccoli, kale, and edamame. Throw in a quarter cup of water and cover with the lid until they get nice and steamy.
Add the carrot and mushrooms and cover with the lid again, until the mushrooms start to get soft.
Then, make a hole in the middle of the pan and add the tofu, reserving the extra marinade to be added to the rice later. Cook that with the lid on for about 4 or 5 minutes, until the tofu is cooked through. Mix it all together thoroughly.
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| Not even coconut aminos could ruin this! |
Now, add the cauliflower rice, reserved marinade, coconut aminos, and spices. Cover with the lid and let it all cook for another 3 minutes. Mix it all well and create another hole in the middle.
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| If it looks like fried rice it tastes like fried rice, right? |
Crack the eggs into the center of the pan. Once they firm up on the bottom, scramble the yolks with the spatula. Cover with the lid for 1 minute, until the eggs get firm enough to mix in with the rest of the ingredients. I like my eggs cooked a little well-done before mixing, because, you know, food safety.
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| I feel like a hibachi chef during this part. |
Taste it. If you used coconut aminos instead of soy sauce, I bet it tastes a little bland. Keep seasoning until it tastes right.
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| Good 'n' done! |
All in all this meal is good, but while eating it I couldn’t help but think “boy I wish this was actually rice.” It makes about 3 or 4 servings, each serving costing about $2.30.
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| Full disclosure, this was one of the 2.5 bowls I ate for dinner. |